Airport Travelers

Given my recent travel experiences back East, I found this "analysis" of the ten types of airport travelers hilarious:

10. VP of Business Importance

“I just came from a very important business meeting. I exchanged many business cards. My laptop can fit in a manila envelope. Of course I’m in first class. Don’t make eye contact with me. I went to business school. No, my facial expression will never change, people need to know how focused I am on this spreadsheet.”

9. Airport Dad

Airport Dad is signified by his official travel uniform - jeans and a sport coat. Is often found with Disney Family (see #1)

8. We’re So In Love!

“We live together but let’s PDA like we haven’t seen each other in months! Let’s go play Idaho Senator in the bathroom! We’re going to make sure everyone in this place knows how much we do it. A lot. Nothing in this world matters to me except you and our matching outfits. I’m so lost in your eyes, I don’t even care if my muffin top becomes exposed.”

7. J-Lo

“I’m so comfortable! Feel how soft my pants are! Don’t touch me you creep.”

J-Lo is all about wearing her fashionable pajamas in public, likely paired with Uggs, a Starbucks latte, and plenty of annoying chatter. (And let's not forget the endless stack of gossip and fashion magazines, stuffed to the gills with sneeze-inducing perfume samples.)

6. Tubby 2 Seat

(Also known as a COS - Customer of Size) As soon as you see this guy waiting at your gate, you cross your fingers that he won’t have the seat next to you. No one likes spillover rolls on their leg or armrest.

5. I’m Boarding Before You (or not)

There’s 2 types of this character:

• “I fly a lot or have so much money that I have a special roped off line to board the plane first. That’s right, not only do I board before you, but I can’t walk through the same line as you commoners.”
• “First! Not only am I that person when commenting on the internet, but I take pride in being the first person from Group 4 to board.”

4. Mr./Ms. Selective Hearing

Minutes after the desk representative announces that they won’t have more information for another 15 minutes, this person storms up and demands more information.

3. Bluetooth Jones

Bluetooth Jones can be male or female, douche or oblivious. Either way, they are way more efficient than you - talking to grandma or closing deals while making stuff happen with 2 free hands.

2. Coughy Cough

Sick guy always ends up next to you on the return flight that’s days before an important event.

1. Disney Family

These families are two-faced at the airport, depending on whether they’re going on vacation or coming back. The coming back group is sedated and asleep, but the outgoing family is a ball of annoying energy. Whichever direction they're going, beware the mounds of luggage, both checked and carry-on, and if seated near the Disney-bound family, keep your distance and make sure you have noise canceling headphones.